I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Sorry my hands just texted you
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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