...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Randomize
