my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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