So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
