do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
