I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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