I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
