I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
