i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
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