Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
