I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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