I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
NoShamevember. You game?
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize