Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
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