I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Randomize
