oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
You ruined the universe
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
