Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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