I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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