No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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