Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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