she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
