cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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