I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
