I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
The adults are the big ones right?
Randomize
