Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
