I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
