I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
