the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
