Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
