I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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