Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
