You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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