I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
he thought i was a dude.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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