I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
