guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
