Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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