i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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