So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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