I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
