He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
