I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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