I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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