Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
