Cold hands, warm shart.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
