Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
