im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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