Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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