hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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