He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
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