I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
