His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
