you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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