What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
