Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
