im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Randomize
