I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
she smelled like a LAN party
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
