my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
You pole danced in your parka.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
