eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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