i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Randomize
